It’s me, and I’m as single as ever. Look, I didn’t exactly plan on staying single for so long, but here we are. It’s not like I’m embracing some zen-like solitude or envisioning a future of owning cats like the stereotypical single woman (although I wouldn’t mind a few more dogs).
As a matter of fact, I’ve put a lot of energy into trying NOT to be single after my last long-term relationship ended. But when you’ve been ghosted, catfished, stood up, and experienced some bizarre and awkward dating fails, you can never Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind no matter how hard you try; exhaustion kinda sets in. And readers? I am tired.
At some point, after a series of dating fails that are in no way rom-com worthy, you start to wonder if the cosmos are playing some kind of joke on you. Or maybe it’s karma? Because love is supposed to be simple, no? It’s been anything but for me, and it turns out it’s a lot more like a bad laugh track on a loop.
In the spirit of keeping it light (because why should I wallow when I can laugh?), here are 12 of the reasons why I’m still single. Are they hilarious? Sure. But they’re also cringy, so don’t say I didn’t warn you!
1. The Catfish Catastrophe: The British Guy That Wasn’t
Let’s begin with one of my most embarrassing dating fails, shall we? It was during the pandemic and the only thing that was keeping my sanity sort of intact was swiping away on dating apps. You know, the old “I’m not really looking, I’m just seeing what’s out there but still kinda secretly hoping” routine. But I matched with this ridiculously hot British dude. He had the accent (I made him send me a voice note) and top-notch banter, and honestly, I was convinced I’d found my Tom Hardy.
After a few days of flirting and getting way too invested, we planned a FaceTime call. Did I fix my face and do my hair? Yes. Did I get out of the joggers and ripped tee shirt that was my pandemic wardrobe? Yup. I got all dolled up for what I thought was the closest thing to a virtual date.
When he called, I answered, well… it wasn’t the dashing Brit from Manchester that I had gotten my hopes up for. Not even close. It was just some random dude who looked like he hadn’t slept in a year, and guess what? His accent was FAKE.
I was catfished by a guy using bogus photos and a terribly bad impression of a British accent. Like, why did he even do the video call? Did he think I’d just let that slide?? The absolute gall. I clicked “end” like my phone was a bomb I had to diffuse. Lesson learned: never trust a voice note.
2. The Guy Who Took Me to His High School Reunion
Okay, onto the next dating fail. A friend of mine set us up and we were supposed to go out for a nice dinner, you know, the usual. But when we met up at the restaurant, he casually mentioned, “Oh, by the way, I hope you don’t mind, but I thought it’d be fun to stop by my high school reunion.” I laughed, thinking he was joking.
He was not joking. And it hit me—he wanted to show up with a girl to his reunion, and I get that! But I was not gonna be that girl, no sir. Did he honestly think I was going to stand in a room full of strangers who would spend the entire night reminiscing about football games and the prom? I told him that I’d rather get my teeth cleaned (I hate the dentist). I am no one’s emotional support human for an event.
3. The Guy Who Took Me on a Date… to IKEA
This guy thought it’d be “fun” to take me to IKEA on our first date. Yeah, you read that right. Apparently, walking through endless aisles of flat-packed furniture was his idea of a romantic evening.
At first, I was like, sure, because I love IKEA and trying to pronounce the names they give their furniture is hilarious to me. Only he didn’t think me loudly saying “Popptorp” or “Lingonsylt” was as funny as I did. No, he was a dead serious shopper.
At the couch part of the showroom, he started asking me very serious questions about which couch he should buy and how I felt about storage solutions. I barely knew this guy, and he was acting like I was his personal shopper instead of some idiot who kept saying “Femmen Vag” and laughing until I couldn’t breathe.
When he said he was going to “grab a bookshelf,” I knew it was time to bounce just in case the second part of the date was him trying to get me to help him put the LIATORP bookshelf together.
4. The Guy Who Was ‘Married to His Job’
It’s always super weird to me when someone says they’re married to their job, and one of my dates took it to an entirely new level.
We went out for a couple of drinks, and everything seemed to be going well until he pulled out his phone. “You have to meet my wife,” he said with a smirk. Naturally, I panicked, thinking I had just stumbled into homewrecker territory or some kind of polyamorous sitch.
But nope, he literally showed me a pic of his laptop screensaver. He had nicknamed his work computer ‘Wife,’ and he wasn’t joking about being committed to her. And if he was kidding, it was a corny joke and most certainly qualified as a dating fail.
5. The Guy Who Cried About His Ex—Mid-Date
I get it. We all have past relationships, and breakups can be awful. But this guy? He brought the messy drama to date number uno.
After we ordered a drink, he launched into a 25-minute monologue about his ex-girlfriend—how they were “meant to be,” how “no one could ever replace her,” and how “dating was just a distraction from the agony.”
I should have invoiced him for my time as his therapist. Needless to say, this was a dating fail and there was no second date.
6. The Mysterious Disappearing Act
Ghosting is super common, but it had never happened to me—until this guy. We’d been dating for about a month, and everything seemed good. And not me being delusional, thinking it was good when it wasn’t. Seriously, it was good.
And then, one day, he just vanished. No texts, no calls, nothing. After weeks of radio silence, I saw him back on the dating app where we matched. I blocked him.
7. The Date Who Tried to Drag Me into a Pyramid Scheme
This guy was super charming… at first. We met at a coffee shop, had good chemistry, and I thought, “Finally, a possibly normal human being!” But halfway through the conversation, things went sideways.
He began asking about my financial situation, did I took vitamins, and then launched into a full-blown sales pitch for a supplement line he was selling. I thought it was a date, and maybe it was, but this dude was trying to mix business with pleasure.
Either way, I was not buying what he was selling—literally or figuratively. Major dating fail!
8. The Guy Who Thought I Would Do CrossFit LOL
First of all, let me be really clear: I’m not a fitness fanatic. I don’t like fitness. So when a date suggested a “fun, active thing,” I was thinking that it would be something along the lines like bowling or a leisurely hike (and a hike is pushing it).
What I didn’t expect was to be taken to a gym for a CrossFit session. Buddy, I don’t go to the gym, and if I did, I certainly wouldn’t be pushing monster truck tires across the floor (I think that’s CrossFit). Bye!
9. The Guy Who Spoke Exclusively in Movie Quotes
Okay, I love movies more than I love most people, but even I have my limits and know that there is a time and a place to quote them. But one guy took it to the extreme. Every other sentence out of his mouth was a quote from a movie. “I’ll have what she’s having,” when I ordered food. “You can’t handle the truth!” when I asked if he liked his food. It was off-putting, to say the least.
10. The ‘Accidental’ Double-Booker
I’m all for being social, but I have some hard boundaries. I showed up to a date one night, and everything seemed fine—until about 30 minutes in, when another girl showed up.
At first, I thought she was an acquaintance who happened to be dining at the same establishment, but then it dawned on me that she was there for him.
He had double-booked his dates, and he didn’t even attempt to cover his dumb tracks as he invited her to join us! I left and let them hash it out, no thanks.
11. The Guy Who Forgot We Had a Date
This one is more embarrassing for me than it is funny because I showed up to the restaurant, ready for a dinner date, and texted him to say I was there. He texted back with, “Wait, was that tonight?” Yeah, buddy, it was tonight. And I WAITED for him to show up because he was really cute.
How embarrassing for me. He showed up an hour later, and instead of apologizing, he just made excuses and lame jokes instead of simply saying, “I’m sorry,” which would’ve been better IMO. It went downhill from there.
This was a dating fail that was partially my fault…..I’m mature, I’ll take part of the blame.
12. The Guy With the Guitar
You know when you’re at a party, and someone appears with a guitar and starts playing an acoustic version of Oasis’s ‘Wonderwall’, and everybody tries to be polite but is screaming internally? That happened to me but on a date.
We had a nice evening out, and I went back to his place to hang out. He went into another room and came back with a guitar. Within seconds, I realized that this was a trap, and I had to get the heck out of there. My eyes widened in panic when he asked, “Do you like music?” Uhhh, is there a person on earth who doesn’t like music?
I asked where the bathroom was, locked myself in, and decided to make loud heaving noises so he would think I was barfing. I even threw some water on my face for dramatic purposes. When I emerged, he still had the guitar in hand and asked if I was alright. I said I had to go and power-walked to the door and into the blessedly guitarless night air.
Final Thoughts
After these stories, you might have a better understanding of why I’m still single. It’s not that I’m not trying—it’s just that maybe the universe is telling me to take a well-deserved break from the dating scene and have a glass of tequila (or three).
If there’s one thing that I’ve learned, it’s that looking for love can be weird, but it does make for some funny dating fail stories. But for now, I’m planning to Golden Girls it with my other single friends—if it comes to that.
