Red is the color that is most associated with love. Roses and hearts dominate stores months before Valentine’s Day because of the hue’s connection to romance and relationships!
But, as Beyoncé says, “Hold Up:” Red also means stop. Stop signs are red. Traffic lights come in three shades: green for go, yellow for caution, and red means come to a complete halt.
We aren’t going to be discussing the romance red here—-no, we are making the ultimate list of red flags to look for when dating. And we mean every single red flag: the most common, the obscure, and even ones that might give someone the ick but is a flashing red flag to others!
What is a Red Flag?
Before we get started on our exhaustive list of red flags, we have to give you the official definition!
According to Merriam-Webster, noun: “A warning signal or sign or something that indicates or draws attention to a problem, danger, or irregularity.”
Jennifer Klesman, a licensed clinical social worker and therapist, defined a red flag to Today as “A behavior trait or value that shows your future incompatibility with a person. This can be anything from someone having a history of infidelity to conflicting lifestyles and beyond.”
Pretty simple, right? Some are more obvious than others, screaming “DANGER,” and then there are the low-key red flags that could be overlooked or ignored during the honeymoon stage of relationships. Whatever they may be, if you see any of the following when you are dating, slam on the breaks—or at least take your foot off the gas!
The Ultimate List of Red Flags When Dating
First up are the 20 most common red flags that aren’t just tinged with the color but are bright red.
Lying
If you catch them in a lie, even a little fib, it’s a red flag. Yes, sometimes we exaggerate our best selves on our dating profiles, but lies are a different story. Literally, they told you something that is not true and will likely do it again in the future.
Controlling Behavior
Overly controlling behavior is a big red flag in dating—when someone tries to dictate your movements, decisions, or beliefs, it shows they’re more focused on their own wants and needs than your well-being. If a date is trying to control your clothing choices or your interests, it’s a huge warning sign.
Any Form of Abuse
Physical, emotional, and mental abuse are obvious red flags in any relationship. Physical abuse is always more apparent, but emotional and mental abuse can be just as harmful over time, potentially leading to PTSD. No one has the right to put their hands on you or make you feel “less than,” no matter what their issues are. Period, full stop, end of discussion.
Narcissism or Narcissistic Traits
Narcissistic personality disorder is marked by extreme self-obsession and an inflated sense of importance. Sure, it could seem like they have delusions of grandeur, but it’s not a clinically recognized break from reality, although it can certainly feel that way to those around them. Narcissists see the world as revolving around them, and any challenge to this belief does not end well. Being emotionally involved with a narcissistic, ego-driven person is exhausting and traumatizing— their needs will always come before anyone else’s.
Jealousy
Everyone has a bit of the little green monster inside of them—it’s a natural emotion. But we aren’t talking about run-of-the-mill jealousy as a red flag. We mean extreme and constant jealousy that looms large over everything else. If they flip out that you are spending time doing anything but focusing on them, it’s a big red flag.
Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a super common manipulation tactic and a warning sign in any relationship. It’s a sneaky form of emotional abuse where the manipulator makes you doubt your own judgments or even your sanity. Victims of gaslighting are made to feel guilty, even when they’ve done nothing wrong. This behavior is a definite red flag in any relationship.
Little or No Communication
Dating can be hard—especially first dates, so if they aren’t opening up and telling you their entire life story on the first couple of dates, you’re not in red flag territory…yet. But if you are dating and getting them to communicate with you is like trying to pry open a stubborn clam shell, that’s a red flag you shouldn’t ignore, as it’s unlikely they’ll change.
No Empathy
If you are dating someone and notice that they don’t have the ability to empathize with other people, abort the mission. Empathy is really important in romantic relationships and in life in general. Someone who lacks empathy is probably not someone you should continue dating—if they don’t show it toward others, why would they show it to you? It’s a fair question!
Anger of Temper Issues
Found yourself on a date with a hothead? Pay the check and resume your search for a compatible match on whatever dating app you currently use. Sure, everyone loses their cool from time to time, but if they can’t keep it in check for a date then that’s a pretty big red flag!
Codependent
If you’ve found out that the person you are dating is a stage five clinger, you have hit the motherload of red flags. You won’t spot it immediately because codependency and the resulting emotional labor don’t always present as toxic at first since you want to spend a lot of time with someone you’re into! But codependency in dating will eventually turn into a persistent pattern that comes with emotional exhaustion and a heavy mental burden.
Aka “relationship addiction,” codependency happens when one (or both) people rely solely on the other for emotional and psychological support. This dependence isolates them from other relationships and stunts personal growth.
Limited Social Connections
Look, not everyone has a big group of friends or is super social! Lots of people struggle to connect with others because of social anxieties, shyness, or just an introverted nature. But having zero friends or close relationships? That’s a red flag for any person, man or woman.
Lack of Boundaries
There are those out there who don’t know or respect others’ boundaries, and that is a major red flag. This person could invade your personal space, overshare right from the jump, or expect you to drop everything for them. Healthy relationships respect each person’s limits and comfort zones. When someone ignores your boundaries, it’s like they’re hoisting up a red flag and yelling, “I do NOT care about your needs!” This includes pushing for any kind of physical intimacy, testing your boundaries by seeing how far they can go or what they can get away with, etc. Basically, if you have put out the signal that you’re not down for something and they keep pestering you in the hopes you’ll come around to what they want, it’s a hard “no.”
Love Bombing
At first, love bombing can seem like you’ve hit the romantic jackpot. You’re showered with tons of affection, gifts, and attention that is so intense it feels like you’re living in a rom-com. But hold those horses! Lovebombing is a tactic used to create emotional dependence, an over-the-top behavior to manipulate you into letting down your guard. The person could seem perfect now, but this tornado of love can quickly turn into a control issue.
Trash Talking Exes
We all have a past and former romantic relationships, but when a person is constantly sh*t talking an ex, it’s a bright red flag. Yes, venting about an ex-GF or BF is totally normal, but if your date cannot or will not stop talking trash about their former partner(s), it shows they have some unresolved issues or just a lack of self-awareness (both are not ideal). And it makes you wonder—how will they talk about you if things don’t work out?
Substance or Alcohol Problems
This one is in no way meant to shame anyone who is struggling or suffering from addiction, but it’s still a red flag that needs to be considered when you’re dating. Know that this person comes with built-in issues that will affect your relationship if it goes any further and that it is not an easy path to weather. If you see signs of excessive drinking or drug use, take the time to think about what a relationship with this person will mean.
Inconsistency
Benching and breadcrumbing and ghosting, oh my! All red flags in dating should not be ignored.
Benching is when someone you’ve been dating stops agreeing to meet in person but keeps texting or DM’ing you. You’re either a placeholder or they are keeping you on the bench just in case no one better comes along.
Breadcrumbing is when someone leads you on with no intention of ever meeting in person or building a real relationship—they give just enough attention to keep you interested.
And ghosting is when they pull a disappearing act altogether, but these specters have been known to reappear after a period of time to haunt you again.
Your Friends Don’t Like Them
If your squad is not on board with who you are dating, that’s not a good sign. We tend to put on the blinders when we are interested in someone romantically and may not be the best judge of character in this scenario—but your friends can be your saving grace. If they don’t like him or her, it’s a red flag.
Rude to Waiters or Staff
This may seem minor, but it isn’t! If a person is rude or disrespectful to the waiter when you are on a date, run, don’t walk toward the nearest exit. How people treat customer service says a lot about a person, and if they treat them like they are a lower class or “less than,” it’s nothing good.
Moving Too Fast
Moving too fast is a common red flag. When someone wants to move things forward at the speed of light–whether it’s declaring their love after the first date or making big plans way too soon—it is a pretty good indicator that they’re more into the idea of a relationship than actually getting to know you. Happy and healthy relationships take time, and this ain’t the way to do it.
Obsessed With Appearances
Is your date always checking the mirror, obsessing over superficial stuff, or constantly fishing for compliments about their looks? Being overly focused on appearance is a huge red flag. While it’s fine to worry about how you look, an obsession with it shows there are insecurities or just a super shallow nature. If conversations often revolve around their looks or they seem more interested in their reflection than in getting to know you, bolt.
Less Common Red Flags
We have covered the big red flags, and now it’s time to take a gander at some that aren’t talked about as much but are just as important! It could be a personal preference, but that doesn’t make the flag any less red when it comes to dating.
Can’t or Won’t Apologize
If your date can’t admit when they’re wrong or never say they are sorry, that shows a lack of accountability and maturity, which will be problematic in the long run.
Ignoring Your Interests
If they don’t ask about or take an interest in your hobbies or interests, it could mean they don’t care about what makes you happy, and that’s a red flag. They don’t care about your volunteer work? Voluntarily get up and go find someone who will.
Negativity Nellies
Always seeing the glass half-empty will drain your energy and make a date feel like a therapy sesh rather than what it’s supposed to be—a fun time getting to know your date.
‘Edgy’ Jokes
If they are always trying to be edgy or make offensive jokes, it’s a really red flag. Of course, a sense of humor is important, but if the jokes usually come at the expense of others or cross into offensive territory, there is a definite lack of sensitivity and respect. This kind of behavior shows they do not care about other people’s feelings or are dismissive of important issues. While everyone’s sense of humor is different, always making jokes that make you or others uncomfortable isn’t just a one-off—it’s a sign of insensitivity at best and something else at worst.
Financial Irresponsibility
If they are irresponsible with money or hide financial issues, it means there will be some major conflicts later on if your relationship progresses past the dating stage and into serious commitment territory. One day, like when you’re talking about moving in together, they’ll spring the “I have terrible credit so you’ll have to apply for the apartment or mortgage” is something that you should have been aware of before you got to that point. Money isn’t everything, but it does matter in certain situations!
They are Super Critical
Constantly criticizing you (or anyone else), even in small ways, will erode your self-esteem over time if it continues, and it could mean they have underlying control issues. Besides, who are they to constantly critique you? Are they absolutely perfect? Of course not, no one is!
Secretive or Sus Behavior
Hiding things or being overly secretive about their lives, like they are in witness protection or displaying James Bond, might mean they are being dishonest or they lack transparency, which is no bueno.
They Hang on to Grudges
Not being able to forgive others and constantly bringing up past mistakes can keep you from moving forward and create a toxic environment. If your date can’t let go of past arguments or wrongs, that’s a huge red flag. Repeatedly bringing up old issues or slights they think they’ve suffered, perceived or real, shows they struggle with forgiveness and moving forward. A good relationship needs both people to be able to resolve conflicts and let things go.
Control Over the Small Stuff
Being overly controlling about small, insignificant details can be a sign of deeper control issues that could escalate over time. Look for things like them not budging on little things that are not a big deal in the grand scheme of life—like never letting you pick the restaurant or movie when you go on a date.
Dismissive of Your Feelings
If they dismiss or belittle your feelings, it shows a lack of respect and empathy, which are important for a happy and healthy relationship. Your feelings matter just as much as theirs do—don’t forget that!
Lack of Hygiene
This is gonna sound mean, but that doesn’t make it any less true—bad hygiene is a real turn-off in dating. If a date shows up looking like a slob and has noticeable body odor, bad breath, or dirty clothes, it is a red flag. It screams that they do not take care of themselves or their surroundings, which is pretty off-putting. Yes, we all have an off day now and then, but consistently poor hygiene illustrates a lack of self-respect and attention to personal appearance.
They Won’t Compromise
A healthy relationship requires compromise. If they always insist on having it their way, it signals that they are selfish and inflexible, and that’s really problematic behavior, aka a red flag.
Blaming Everyone Else for Their Problems
Never taking responsibility for their actions and always blaming others is a major red flag! This person lacks any sort of accountability or maturity. Not only that, this is a sign of narcissistic tendencies. If the problem is never them and it’s everyone else? Red flag, baby. Self-awareness is something we all need to possess—sometimes, we are the problem and need to take a look in the mirror.
Being Too Touchy/Feely
This falls under the boundary red flag, and some people don’t mind it if they are feeling the other person and the vibes are consensual, but being touchy/feely on a first date is a red flag. If a person is constantly putting their hand on your arm or knee (or any other place) and it’s not being reciprocated, a red flag is on the field.
Lack of Manners
Does the person you are on a date with chew with their mouth open? Talk while their mouth is full of food? Doesn’t put their napkin on their lap? To some people, this isn’t a deal breaker. But to others? Major red flag. If they don’t know how to act at the table then they might not know how to act away from the table, you know? Ditch the date and find someone who knows basic table etiquette!
Phone Use
Trying to get to know someone who is watching TikTok vids or reading texts on their phone during a date is a—you guessed it—red flag. It’s ok to take out your phone occasionally while on a date, but if they don’t know how to interact or just don’t care to, it’s a warning. If they are so in love with what’s happening on their screen, they should date that instead of a real person.
Wandering Eyes
Blatantly checking out other women or men in your presence to the point where they are no longer even engaged in the convo. If they are interested in looking at others instead of looking at you, let them try their luck with whomever keeps catching their fleeting attention—you deserve better. Yuck.
How They Tip
Pay close attention to how your date tips waitstaff; it’s a small detail that can say a lot about their character. Generosity and respect in tipping usually show a person’s overall attitude towards others, especially those in service roles. If they are cheap, rude, or dismissive, it is a red flag indicating a lack of empathy and appreciation for hard work.
Brings Up Controversial Topics to Get a Reaction
If your date constantly brings up controversial topics just to get a rise out of you, it’s a big red flag. This kind of behavior means they like drama or conflict and a lack of respect for your comfort and boundaries. It also means that they get off on provoking others and are more interested in seeing a reaction than having a real conversation. It’s unnecessary and, frankly, boring.
They Hate Their Mom
This is a very specific red flag and in no way implies that there are not toxic moms running around out there that deserve to be hated. Just because they are your family doesn’t make them automatically decent people. Having said that, if someone tells you that they don’t get along with their mom (or hate their entire family), it could be a red flag that is worth considering.
They’re Nosy or Ask Invasive Questions
This is a date, not a police interrogation! The convo should be light and friendly, not an inquisition into your life. If they are asking questions that are way too probing about subjects that you are not comfortable talking about with a relative rando, shut it down. Not only is it weird, but it’s plain rude.
How They Respond to the Word ‘No’
How a person responds to the word “no” is actually very telling about their overall character. If they respect your boundaries and take your refusal gracefully, it shows that they understand and respect your autonomy. But if they react with a temper tantrum, try to talk you into a “yes,” or become insistent, it’s a red flag.
Final Flags
Obviously, there are a ton of red flags, and while the ones we listed are good, they don’t always apply to every situation. What always applies, without exception, is your gut feeling! If something feels off to you, then it probably is. Don’t ever feel bad about canceling or abandoning a date if something just isn’t sitting right with you. The reason isn’t important—just trust your instincts!
The ultimate red flag is how you feel. You should never feel uncomfortable, uneasy, annoyed, or put off with anyone. Trust yourself above everything else, even a list of red flags.
