One thing regarding relationships that people fear most is when the guy you’re dating–the one you put so much time and energy into because you felt an instant connection–begins to pull away.
It’s not so much what he says, but it’s more about a feeling you have about his energy toward you. When a man does this, it can make women feel dejected, abandoned, and afraid.
As independent, strong women, we often kick it into “fix it” gear. We call the girls and analyze–or bash, depending on how many cocktails we’ve had–what’s happening.
We read a ton of articles, buy even more self-help books, and go into freak-out mode. We pledge to eliminate that awful lonely feeling by any means necessary.
Fear of loss can be more motivating than the hope of gaining something. And when we feel our man is pulling away from something we believed was solid and loving, it can shift us into full panic mode.
Things You Shouldn’t Do When You Feel Him Pulling Away
How you deal with the feeling of your man pulling away is crucial. There are healthy ways to deal with this situation. But sadly, there are potentially damaging actions you should avoid. Read on to find out the don’ts when you think he’s losing his love for you.
1. Don’t Try to Beg Him Back
It’s awful when you feel him pulling away, but begging him to talk to you to tell you what’s happening is definitely not the move. And whatever you do, don’t pull out the tears card. Crying only makes the situation worse.
Don’t make promises you don’t intend to keep. Even if you have the best intentions of keeping them, that’s too much pressure on you, and you may eventually resent him.
For example, if he mentions that one of his gripes is that he’d like more sex, don’t promise him three times a week of extra alone time in the bedroom in the hopes that his feelings will change.
Life gets busy, and things always pop up, so making a promise like that can be challenging to keep. If you can’t stand by it, he’ll get angry, and if you burn yourself out trying to make him sexually satisfied, you’ll be resentful.
2. Don’t Suffocate Him with Unwanted Attention and Affection
When you tell your man your feelings for him in small doses, he appreciates it. However, you want to refrain from shoving your feelings down his throat in a dramatic way, especially out of fear of losing him.
You feel like if you can just let him know exactly how you feel and how you have felt since the beginning of the relationship–and do so all at once, it will turn the situation around. It won’t. He may see right through your desperate act and pull away even more.
Instead, try saying the following things that aren’t overpowering. (Of course, you should personalize it.)
- “I have a really great time with you when we go for walks on the beach.”
- “I really enjoyed you cooking that delicious dinner the other night.”
- “You were so funny at the party last night!”
This praise is perfect for acknowledging his contributions and making him feel like you appreciate him. But, when you say things like, “Awww, my baby is so sweet. I can’t wait to marry you and spend forever together!”
There is no praise in that statement, and quite frankly, it is annoying. The only thing he understands from “praise” like that is that you’re clingy and you’re more into the relationship than he is.
It comes out more genuinely when we’re verbally demonstrative of our emotions. Sure, we might even enjoy hearing someone tell us how sweet we are because, at times, this kind of verbal declaration is what we need to hear to feel safe in our relationship.
When things become distant in our relationship, we can mistakenly believe that a guy will want the same type of spoken reassurance of our feelings. But, unfortunately, this typically backfires and pushes him in the opposite direction.
3. Don’t Try to Bribe Him
You do not impress him when you do nice things, like make romantic dinners, buy him expensive material things, or practically kill yourself to show how wonderful you are.
When you do things like this, you take on the masculine role in your relationship. This idea backfires because he’ll most likely feel smothered or feel like you’re taking over “his job.” So essentially, you’re doing the opposite of what you’re trying to achieve.
Even worse, he could think you’re attempting to get something from him, which technically, you are, even if it is his love and affection.
When you try to bribe him, he’ll sense you’re spiraling from him getting colder toward you. It’s likely confusing to him why you’d bother investing more into someone who isn’t investing time, energy, and effort into you.
So, here’s the bottom line; when you keep pushing, it will likely lead him to believe you don’t have much self-esteem or value yourself as much as you should. Would you want to continue dating this type of person?
Ways to Save Your Marriage after Trying Everything Else
When you first met them, your gaze connected, and you knew they were the one. You’ve hit the jackpot when you’re happy and feel alive in their presence. You’ve found the person you want to spend the rest of your life with.
When you’re apart, you miss them. During the day, you obsess about every bit of time you spend together. You’re happiest when cuddled in their arms at night. To you, this is love to the fullest.
As time passes, you don’t spend as much time together. You’re thankful for that because there are just some things they do that get on your last nerve. You still love them, but lately, you both need more and more time apart.
You start noticing things are changing between you. There are more negatives than positives to staying in this union. You’d love to stick it out but don’t know if you can.
If this sounds like your relationship, before you pull the plug, read the following truths (that don’t involve sex) to help save your marriage when all else fails.
Falling in love is no reason to marry, but falling out of love is no reason to break up.
Anyone over the age of 12 understands that falling in love is not a reason to get married to someone. But many of us still want to return to that falling-in-love stage, and guess what? It’s not happening.
You’ve heard the statement, “I still love them, but I’m not in love with them anymore.” Hell, even I’ve uttered it a few times.
Or, you may hear something like, “I’m just not attracted anymore,” or “The chemistry is no longer there.” Maybe you’ve said something like, “We’ve simply grown apart.“
Stop looking to be in love with your partner 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year, because it just won’t happen. If people got divorced because the love had died down, the world would be one big single’s party. Unfortunately, too many couples split up when they only need to refill their gas tank.
True love starts with incompatibility and disillusionment.
Most people remember what they adored about their partner at the beginning of the relationship. When you first began seeing each other, you loved the little things like how they left their clothes on the floor or how they picked up some dinner after work every Friday night.
Now, you’re sick of picking up after them, and if they friggin bring home pizza on Friday night one more time, you’ll scream. You’re beginning to drift apart, and you can feel it.
Sometimes, we become disillusioned and feel we have less in common. This is because while still focusing on what you previously liked, those things have now become irritants.
Over the years, they may have picked up traits you enjoy, but you don’t take the time to see those because you’re still focusing on what annoys you. Often, most of the unhappiness comes from comparing your present life to:
- the life you imagined you’d have
- the past life that made you so happy
You can fix it today by seeing the good in your partner. Stop looking for all the negatives and nit-picking them to death. When your partner does something to irritate you, replace your thought with something positive you like about them.
For example, if you come home from work and see dirty dishes in the sink, your first thought may be that your partner is lazy and doesn’t do their part around the house.
When this happens, quickly replace that thought with something more positive, like he has been working a lot of overtime this week, so he may not have had time to pick up his stuff. Or, he did make a delicious dinner last night.
Love isn’t always what you think.
Here’s the thing to remember; no two people are the same, so love will vary. You may have watched one too many rom-coms or witnessed how your parents loved each other in their marriage. Love isn’t always what you believe it is.
You may be more on the fairytale side of thinking and believe you meet someone, fall in love, and then marry. After that, it’s POOF! Happily ever after.
You fail to realize that kids, stress from the job, and everyday issues start playing a factor in your happy little union. Sadly, when your world seems like it’s falling apart, you feel as though you no longer love your partner–and if you don’t love them, why would you still want to stay with them?
It’s important to understand that those lovey feelings come and go. You may hit a love peak when you’re all over each other. Then you may hit a valley and become more roommates than lovers.
This is always going to happen, but the good news is that there are things you can do about it. When you fall into the roommate category, make special attempts to rekindle the romance. Do things like:
- start having date nights
- plan activities to do together, like daily hikes or walking
- taking a dance or cooking class together
- having a quiet movie night
- have a night on the town
Take a break when you need it.
You always want to be around your partner when you’re in love. You want to give them a chance to miss you and for you to miss them. But this is the best time to take a break.
Suggest doing something apart when you feel you’re joined at the hip. Call your friends and get a girl’s night going. Or, call the guys and hang out at the local sports bar.
Do things you enjoy without each other so when you get back together, you have something new and exciting to talk about.
Going your separate ways shouldn’t be a once-a-year thing. Try being independent of your partner a least once a week. It doesn’t always have to be a full-on 5 hours of hanging out with your friends, but if you enjoy working out, take an hour of Yoga class once or twice a week. Consider taking some courses if you’ve always wanted to return to school.
Not only is this an opportunity to do something outside of the activities you do with your partner, but it also gives you a chance to better yourself, which raises your self-confidence so you can be the best you can be in the relationship.
Love happens when there’s a connection.
Love isn’t a category of the relationship. The science of love tells us that it’s an emotion generated during specific types of interaction. And it’s also not something wafting around out there that you can fall in and out of.
Even though you may subscribe to various definitions of love, your body only identifies one. Love is that nanosecond of connection and warmth you share with another human being.
Love is an exchange or interaction that appears and disappears repeatedly. It’s much more temporary than once believed, but it feeds and nourishes us.
Don’t use sex in attempts to force him to feel something for you.
Just because you open yourself to having more sex with him doesn’t mean he will fall back in love and give you all the loving, caring attention you’ve been craving.
Too often, women feel like all men want is a lot of sex. If they get it, everything will be perfect again. You can swing from the chandeliers and do all the tricks you want, but it’s not all about sex.
If you think about it, using sex is almost like attempting to bribe him. Just because you have sex with him doesn’t mean you’ll get the commitment or the closeness you seek from him.
You shouldn’t withhold sex or act strangely in the bedroom, either. Sex is good and should be used as a beautiful bonding tool between two people instead of something to negotiate with. Do it because you want to and aren’t using it as a bargaining chip.
What Should You Do if You Feel Him Pulling Away?
1. Acknowledge Your Insecurities but Wait before Acting on Them
Just because you sense a rift growing between you and your partner doesn’t mean you must grab your life jacket and dive in to save it.
Your fear may be that if you don’t act, he’ll walk out the door, and that’s understandable. But when you act out of fear, you risk worsening the situation.
Unfortunately, fear kills a relationship because we tend to go down the rabbit hole when we give in to it. Because fear feeds off itself, and before you know it, the situation is ten times worse than when it began, and ultimately, there’s no coming back from that.
Because of our insecurities, we make mountains out of molehills when we treat him like he’s done something wrong. Then, the issues really happen!
Before spiraling out of control, his distance may have been temporary, but we’ve made it more significant.
Fear only brings fault finding, suspicion, and a surefire way to head toward a much deeper issue. And if there is a bigger issue, we make it much worse than it needs to be. Think about it–how many times has fear made your relationship better?
2. Relax
This advice may sound annoying, but it’s actually helpful. Sometimes, we see something as a serious issue, like distance in our relationship.
But sometimes, we must get out of our heads and take a chill pill. The issue often works itself out without you intervening, particularly if you give him some time and space.
Relationships aren’t perfect, and they ebb and flow all the time. Sometimes you hit a rough patch lasting for weeks or even months, and freaking out doesn’t help. Instead of panicking, loosen up and let the situation run its course.
3. Focus On Your Happiness
When we’re attempting to fix things, it’s all about him, hoping to sway the situation back in our favor and make the pain disappear.
At this point, we’re usually not thinking about making ourselves happy because we believe when he’s happy, we’ll be happy. That’s not the case.
Instead, we should be figuring out ways to use this time to make ourselves feel good regardless of what’s going on in our relationship.
We may not feel like focusing on ourselves when our relationship is in shambles, but centering on ourselves and giving ourselves the love we want him to provide us is the only way to return to our confident selves. Insecurity is never a turn-on, but returning to who you were before this situation is.
Yes, guys are attracted to looks, but more importantly, they’re drawn to your essence and the very being of who you are. They aren’t attracted to your attempts to “fix” him or force the relationship to where you want it to be.
If your relationship is truly going south, allowing your fear to take the wheel won’t improve it. But what will help is being who you were before the issues happened, especially if you lost yourself somewhere in the relationship.
Final Thoughts
When it feels like you’re losing your relationship, it can hurt. But trying to force it back into safe mode isn’t the answer. Take time to think about it. Sometimes we only want to stay in a relationship because it feels comfortable, even though it isn’t the best thing for us.
If you have concluded your relationship is over, take all the time you need to heal. But once you’re ready to get back out there, change it up and try dating apps. Your brand new Mr. Right may be just one click away.
